Full of Myself

 Full of Myself

When the carton of my books, Year of the Onion:  A Healing Journey with Cancer, arrived in the mail this July, I was afraid to open the box. My initial reaction was: what if there were mistakes that escaped the editing process? What if I said something stupid or confusing and didn’t catch it? What if the binding came apart? What if this was all a big mistake to think that I could write a book!?

A few hours later, I cautiously opened the carton and there were 50 beautiful books – the cover was perfect! I waited a few hours and then tremulously opened a book and began to read. Page after page, chapter after chapter – no problems, no mistakes, it was just fine. After reading my book three times more, I sighed with relief. There was only one thing I caught (not telling) and I doubted if anyone else would ever spot it. Whew!

I put a copy of my book out on my dresser so I could see it daily. That’s my book, I would say to myself.  It took me a few weeks to accept the fact that after two years of living with cancer and writing about my life, including very intimate and painful details, I had brought my experience into manifestation. I did it! I wrote a good book! 

And still there was something missing. Why wasn’t I happy with myself and my achievement?  After all, writing a book is hard work. 

“Be proud of yourself!“ my daughter urged me. We celebrated and toasted each other, knowing what an immense amount of time and effort had gone into completing this project. (She was the editor, cover designer and photographer.) We laughed remembering how hard it had been to find the right onion for the cover. We had spent days going to the grocery store, buying bags of onions, hoping to find our model. It had to be round and shiny with a certain cocky slant to the top tassel. You would be surprised how hard it was to find an unblemished onion! Then, we began the search for the sky background. It had to be a brilliant blue with clouds of a certain shape, not too billowy. My daughter nailed that photo, as well.

Finally, after a week or two of admiring the cover and reading through the book just one more time, I felt a little satisfaction begin to grow inside. That’s when I felt a fear rise up in my stomach. It said, ”Don’t get too big for your britches. Don’t get too full of yourself!” 

I attributed this to my childhood when children were taught not to brag, boast or speak well of themselves. They would be told that to say and feel such things made them spoiled, bratty, arrogant and boastful. If someone gave you a compliment, you kept it to yourself. To talk well of yourself was to brag and no one liked a braggart.

For me, there was another component that made me squelch any pride I might feel. I knew that my mother wanted the spotlight on her. “I should never outshine her” was the unconscious message she had given me all my life. Even though she was dead, her reaction to my achievement stalked me anyway.

I remembered a few times I had minimized my achievements, dismissed compliments and shamed myself to stay hidden. I had a deep fear that if I got “too big for my britches” I would lose love – my mother’s.  Plus my britches might split wide open and reveal my nakedness, my inferiority. 

I needed to “stay in my place,” wherever that was. I also feared that the ego, at least my needy ego,  would become inflated and then I would not be me, the shy, self-flagellating, humble person I felt I should be. 

But then I got a different view when I came across a YouTube video of an interview between Oprah Winfrey and Brené Brown, author and therapist. Brené had a list of questions for Oprah, one of which was: “What was the hardest thing you had to overcome when you became famous?” The answer Oprah immediately gave went straight to my heart, “I was warned not to get too full of myself,” she said. “However,” she continued, “ I learned that it is a good thing to be full of oneself. I wanted to be so full of myself that I could have an abundance to share!”

Wow! I imagined Oprah spilling over with all her talents and gifts. Who would Oprah be if she hadn’t been full of herself? I didn’t think less of her for being a confident, self-assured woman who was a force for good in the world. It was a moment of revelation for me. Why would people want to diminish anyone’s shine? The light benefits all of us!

I was beginning to think I had been sold a shoddy belief left over from the Puritans. What does the word “humble” really mean? It comes from the root word “hummus” meaning earth. Stay close to your roots and low to the ground. Calling attention to oneself is bad. Keep your light hidden under a bushel basket (they don’t exist anymore). If you do some public act like publishing a book, you are taking a risk. People might notice you. They might even applaud your effort. OMG!  

I tried out the feeling of being proud of my book. I wanted to be full of myself, like Oprah. I would stand in the spotlight for a few minutes and see if a big cane with a curved handle would come out from the curtains,  hook me around the neck, and drag me off the stage. I tried out acknowledging myself for working hard, producing a lovely product and receiving praise for it. Nothing bad happened. 

I told my daughter that I was beginning to feel secure with my book. I was allowing some pride to come in and it was a good feeling. She sighed with relief, encouraging me to let more come. She thought it was high-time for me to stop feeling the fear.

Instead, I felt a slightly warm sensation of fullness. I told myself, I can enjoy being satiated and know I am not causing anyone else to have less. I don’t have to stay empty to make sure my Mom has enough to feed her ego. I even went so far as to say out loud, “If being proud of myself bothers anyone, that’s their problem!” 

I was also under the fear that “pride goes before the fall,” another tenet many of us heard growing up.  If we feel too good, watch out, we are courting disaster. The “fall” will happen, just you wait. Feelings of high, happy, in a good place and pleased with oneself are tinged with worry of what will happen next to take us down. (I think Germans have a word for it.) We may only fill ourselves with so much happiness and then we are being greedy.  

Oh, these stupid beliefs that form our thoughts and run our lives! I am growing out of these beliefs from childhood, when I believed everything my parents said was true. I am creating new beliefs about life and who I am. I want Oprah to be my role model. I will take my turn being in the spotlight and I will celebrate as my friends and others take their turns to shine with their gifts.

To bloom is to open wide, accept compliments without making excuses, absorb attention in a balanced way (not fearing there will be repercussions or your ego will become inflated). Let the fullness of achievement rest easy on my soul.

If I get too big for my britches, I have options – one is to buy a bigger pair of pants!